new beginnings

Hello all my lovely friends. It has been awhile, hasn’t it? I have been avoiding writing here.. or updating anywhere. Facebook, Instagram.. all of it. To me, it all just seemed completely false and not genuine at all. I just couldn’t bring myself to truly ‘be’ without getting some thoughts out.. more than a  FB status update or a picture on IG. I am not sure where to even begin.  So I will begin here, how about on a positive note?  I truly think 2016 is going to be an absolutely amazing year! I can feel it to the core. Yes, I will lead with that.

Now, I should probably back it up a bit.  I am ready to share. The past numerous months have been absolutely heart wrenching. Our family has gone through many changes.. the kiddos and I are now a tribe of three. There, I said it. I am not sure I am really ready to write about the details, but know this.. we are absolutely ok.

Divorce is something I honestly never thought we would get to. We have had our ups and downs over the years.. hard obstacles that have taken their toll. We truly tried to work through it all, and at times I thought we had climbed the mountain and only clear skies were ahead. But honestly, something was always there.. and that something, whatever it was in the moment, just never went away. Sometimes it is just too hard.. or maybe it just shouldn’t be that hard. You know?

See.. how could I go on Instagram and post a fun cheery update without getting to the nitty gritty first. Life isn’t all doom and gloom. We have already worked through most of the really tough stuff.. the stuff that breaks you down, the waking up each day and having those first thoughts be sad… yep, we have worked through that. So at this point, a fun cheery blog post wouldn’t be a lie.. but to me, it would kind of be dishonest in a way. I can’t just completely eliminate this from my life and go on like it it didn’t happen.  It happened.. we lived it. And gosh darn it, I am proud of how I feel now. I am proud that the kids have smiles on their faces.. I am proud to survived all the hard moments and that I am now at the point I am not lying when I say I am happy.

I know I have painted a pretty picture here on the blog, and on Instagram and on Facebook as well.. but really, I just didn’t feel the need to share those hard moments through the years. But I have learned so much these past few months.. even all those devastating moments add up to the bigger picture.  Without those hard times, the sweetness in life just isn’t as sweet.  I have learned to appreciate so much, and not take anything for granted.. because it truly can be gone in an instant.

Sharing is something I want to do more of here. I want to get back to what blogging was in the beginning.  I miss it so much.  It seems rolling into a new year is the perfect time to ‘come clean’ on here and just start fresh. So no, life isn’t perfect. But I shouldn’t expect it to be.. so why try to paint this picture that it is? Hell no!

To be honest, I have been scared to write this. Embarrassed even. Nobody likes to admit failure. Divorce is kind of the ultimate in failure in a way.. at least that is what I thought at the beginning. But living through it, going through the process.. I am proud of how far I have come already. I honestly feel like I am succeeding! That is why I know 2016 is going to be a great year. Not because of any huge success in business or any resolutions being tackled.. just because I know already that I look at each individual day differently.  I want to make the most of all of it. I have woke up and I am ready to live!

It is funny.. and sad, how a major life event can kick you out of slumber. But it does. So many moments I thought would get the best of me.. the kids spending time away from me at their dad’s, preparing our house for sale, change in the everyday, the holidays, facing friends and family with the truth.. and so on!  All those moments I was dreading.. I have survived them all!  You really do learn to look at life differently, those little moments of everyday amazingness, the way you deal with the hard stuff, coming through it all.. making the most of everything, it has been such a wake up call.

My kids are doing so well.. honestly. I think it is pretty safe to say that we are doing a pretty good job at making sure they come through this ok. They come first.. no matter what. We both want them to feel safe and loved no matter which home they are at. That has been a hard thing to come to terms with.. they now have two homes. My instinct fought this one.. and still does to be honest with you. I am their mom, I want them with me all the time.. what kind of mom would I be if I didn’t?  But I know in my heart, that they can have it all.. they are their dad’s tribe too after all. I know they will be ok.. that much love to go around, how can they not be?

There may be a time when I share more about separation and divorce.. deeper emotional stuff, but I have skipped so much of that on here.. I am not ready to lump it all into one blog post. This is just me taking a moment to let you all know that this in fact is life now.. we survived, we are all ok and we are looking forward to what the future may bring.

This year will see more changes.. we will be moving in the upcoming months, that is a big one!  At first I hated this thought. I love my house, the kids love this house.. my studio is here, it is perfect. But, we need to start fresh.  I have decided to downsize.. obviously. A home can be whatever you make of it, a house is just a house! Gosh darn it.. I want to live!  I want to go on adventures with my amazing kids!!  So, I am currently hunting for my very own fixer upper (hello blog projects lol).. anyone have any leads? lol  Oh you know, a little cottage on a couple acres in the middle of a field of wild flowers.. I’m not too picky. ha ha! Kidding of course, but wouldn’t that be great?

This year I also have many dreams and goals for my business! Still working on that plan.. there are just so many goals I have had over the years that I never made a reality. Now that there is no better time than the present.. my brain is overflowing! So I want to make sure I get it right and slow my thoughts down to the point that I can maybe come up with a plan that would make them all a reality over time. Planning is good!

So yes, this post is rambling and all over the place. I shared devastating news.. but please know that it is no longer devastating. I don’t mean that in a harsh way. I will not regret a moment of our marriage. I will miss what we could have had, but life doesn’t always work out like you wanted.. and sometimes a fresh start is a good thing.

Much love my friends! xoxo